One of my favourite things to do is sit with my mum over a cuppa by the sea chatting about life; we were lucky to get to do that this weekend. We wandered onto the topic of regrets and whether they’re helpful or not. I ended up sharing one of my biggest ones with her.
It’s been on my mind this week after a conversation with a friend from work where we swapped backstories over an espresso martini (after hours, of course).
I’ve always believed there’s no real point in regret. We make decisions with the best of intentions, based on who we are and what we know at the time. No one sets out to make a ‘bad decision’ and sometimes there are just different choices rather than right or wrong. This can be true for smaller day to day decisions and the big life stuff. Whether it’s spending money we don’t have, changing jobs, putting things off or stepping away from friendships/relationships that don’t serve us, most people are just trying to do their best. But that doesn’t stop the mind from drifting into what if territory or replaying old choices with the benefit of hindsight.
Have you ever looked back at a moment or decision and thought, what on earth was I thinking? Almost like you can’t even recognise the version of you who made that choice?
I definitely have done this. I don’t hold onto regrets, but do see the value in learning from the moments we wish we’d handled differently. My biggest regret? Staying in a relationship that wasn’t working for longer than I ‘should’ have. I regret this not just for me, but for them and the people around us when finally making those moves.
The biggest thing that kept me stuck (twice), was the story I’d created about how life was “supposed” to look. I’d built an image in my mind with a timeline, milestones and what the happy ending was supposed to be. Anything that threatened that ideal got pushed aside. I convinced myself I could turn things around and didn’t trust myself enough to handle the unknown.
Relationships are complicated, and emotions are powerful, so I don’t judge myself for it; there were lots of dynamic and histories playing out back then. But I do see how being too committed to a particular story can stop us seeing the wood for the trees, particularly if we are at a cross roads.
If I’d let go of how I thought life was supposed to look, I’d have moved on sooner.
How does this help now? Whatever the situation, having an open mind to lots of options has made such a difference to me. I still have hopes, dreams and things I want, but how they come about, and what that looks like is not rigid with pre-determined timings. I prioritise how I feel over seeking perfection and I’ve got my eyes open. Life often has twists and turns and humans are complex, just accepting that was a game changer.
I’ve had to let go of an ‘image’ more than once, whether it’s about a role change at work, or a personal situation. To be honest sometimes letting go of how you thought something was supposed to go can be difficult, painful even. When I accepted that I would only have 1 child, I had to shift my focus from the family I thought I would have and focus on what we do have. It doesn’t mean there aren’t moments when I see siblings together that I’m not reflective, but I’m keen not to detract from what is right in front of me.
On a day-to-day basis, knowing the picture perfect world we are bombarded with are fleeting moments helps avoid regrets and disappointments. We see a snapshot and comparison can be the thief of joy!
At this time of year, when our newsfeeds are full of goals, motivation, and other people’s ‘successes’, letting go of what everyone else is doing and what we ‘should’ have done by now is the route to self-compassion.
If you’re sitting with a regret, big or small, here are a few gentle ways to move through it:
- Be kind to yourself, both now and you from the past. Speak to yourself the way you would to a friend. We make decisions based on what we know and who we are at any given time.
- Ask how the regret is holding you back now. Are you putting something off because you ‘should’ have done it sooner?
- Practice letting go of ideals and comparisons. Whether it’s bigger life stuff, a holiday, or a day out, the less pressure you put on how it should be, the more open you are to how it unfolds for real.
- Be open minded. If you don’t know what is next, go general and focus on how you want to feel rather than exactly what it is you’ll be doing. Surprising paths can unfold.
Regret is a totally normal space to step into but it doesn’t have to be a weight we carry. Take from it what is helpful and let the rest go…
Coachingwithjen 